Some Self Growth

Monday, 12 October 2020

 I've always been an emotional person. It's never been my best trait, and has always caused me a lot of hurt and upset. Being in control of my emotions was something I struggled with for so long and I often found that I just ended up making things worse for myself. I wouldn't be able to let things go, I'd hold onto them for so long and I'd let the hurt consume me. Whether it be a personal issue, a family member passing or a breakup, I would let it completely break me down. I'd fall into a dark pit in which I'd struggle to claw myself out of. Instead of moving on I'd just let myself fall down further and that would be it. A couple of months ago I went through a breakup. I was heartbroken. The guy I had been in love with for almost two years just didn't want me anymore. At first I felt like I was going to fall again, but this time I didn't. 

Yeah I got quite upset at first, I cried, I let myself feel like I wasn't good enough, I went in for a night shift the night it happened and just broke down crying in the office. The next day he came to say it face to face and after he left I sat by my front door and felt like I didn't know what to do.. but then I got up and I went to see a friend from work. We had a couple of drinks, and I actually felt okay. The next day I felt even more okay. I got up, I went to work, I met up with friends I hadn't seen in months and I pushed it all to the back of my mind. Two weeks later I found out he was interested in someone else and I felt like I had been put right back to where I started. I cried most of that night but then again the next day I got up and I was okay. Years ago I would have begged and pleaded till I couldn't possibly say anymore but this time? No. I blocked him on everything, deleted every text, every Facebook message, every photo. I threw away the ring he had got me and packed all of his stuff.. and I felt okay. If anything I just felt strange. This reaction had been so different from how I had been most of my life, but I felt proud of myself. That I had finally got to the point in my life where I wasn't going to let everything fall apart over something that didn't deserve to ruin everything. 

Have I cried since? No. I have occasionally felt sad when something has reminded me of the good times we did have in our relationship, but I didn't feel like it was the end of the world. This change of character kind of made something inside of me click. It made me realise that if I can handle that the way I did, then I am so much stronger than the weak person I've always thought I was. I'll admit that I definitely couldn't have done it without my friends, and the best work colleagues and manager that I could possibly ask for, but I had done it.. and pretty damn well too. I used it as a sign that it was for the best and that my life would be better off for it, and it worked.

I know this post was a whole lot of rambles, but it's also a way of me saying that you can always get through hard times no matter what. This situation even a year ago would have had me in a complete opposite state to what I'm in. I would have let the hurt consume me. You are always stronger than you think and you can always help yourself grow as a person. Nothing is worth getting in the way of you and your future, and it's so important to not let things affect you in a way that could be detrimental to who you are or where you could be. I was never a believer of 'everything happens for a reason' but looking back at how much I have grown over the past couple of months, I now really believe it does.