Some Self Growth

Monday, 12 October 2020

 I've always been an emotional person. It's never been my best trait, and has always caused me a lot of hurt and upset. Being in control of my emotions was something I struggled with for so long and I often found that I just ended up making things worse for myself. I wouldn't be able to let things go, I'd hold onto them for so long and I'd let the hurt consume me. Whether it be a personal issue, a family member passing or a breakup, I would let it completely break me down. I'd fall into a dark pit in which I'd struggle to claw myself out of. Instead of moving on I'd just let myself fall down further and that would be it. A couple of months ago I went through a breakup. I was heartbroken. The guy I had been in love with for almost two years just didn't want me anymore. At first I felt like I was going to fall again, but this time I didn't. 

Yeah I got quite upset at first, I cried, I let myself feel like I wasn't good enough, I went in for a night shift the night it happened and just broke down crying in the office. The next day he came to say it face to face and after he left I sat by my front door and felt like I didn't know what to do.. but then I got up and I went to see a friend from work. We had a couple of drinks, and I actually felt okay. The next day I felt even more okay. I got up, I went to work, I met up with friends I hadn't seen in months and I pushed it all to the back of my mind. Two weeks later I found out he was interested in someone else and I felt like I had been put right back to where I started. I cried most of that night but then again the next day I got up and I was okay. Years ago I would have begged and pleaded till I couldn't possibly say anymore but this time? No. I blocked him on everything, deleted every text, every Facebook message, every photo. I threw away the ring he had got me and packed all of his stuff.. and I felt okay. If anything I just felt strange. This reaction had been so different from how I had been most of my life, but I felt proud of myself. That I had finally got to the point in my life where I wasn't going to let everything fall apart over something that didn't deserve to ruin everything. 

Have I cried since? No. I have occasionally felt sad when something has reminded me of the good times we did have in our relationship, but I didn't feel like it was the end of the world. This change of character kind of made something inside of me click. It made me realise that if I can handle that the way I did, then I am so much stronger than the weak person I've always thought I was. I'll admit that I definitely couldn't have done it without my friends, and the best work colleagues and manager that I could possibly ask for, but I had done it.. and pretty damn well too. I used it as a sign that it was for the best and that my life would be better off for it, and it worked.

I know this post was a whole lot of rambles, but it's also a way of me saying that you can always get through hard times no matter what. This situation even a year ago would have had me in a complete opposite state to what I'm in. I would have let the hurt consume me. You are always stronger than you think and you can always help yourself grow as a person. Nothing is worth getting in the way of you and your future, and it's so important to not let things affect you in a way that could be detrimental to who you are or where you could be. I was never a believer of 'everything happens for a reason' but looking back at how much I have grown over the past couple of months, I now really believe it does.

Why I Work In Mental Health

Thursday, 2 July 2020

In the past I have always been pretty open with my life and my mental health on this blog. Fast forward a couple of years and we get to 2020, where I work as a mental health support worker. If I'm honest, I never saw myself finding anything, let alone something I have discovered I am so passionate about. The other day my boyfriend asked me, if I could earn thousands and thousands of pounds a month doing something on the side, would I quit my job? The answer was surprisingly to him, no. Nothing, not even money, can top the feeling of knowing you are helping change peoples lives. So this, is why I am so passionate about working in mental health.

I've always been that girl that's "too nice". My whole life I've been that person, a lot of people have taken that for granted and there have been occasions in the past where I wonder if it's even worth it, but it's not in my nature to just change that. Other peoples actions speak for themselves, why should I try and change who I am as a person just because other people like to take advantage of that. I quickly discovered that you can never be 'too nice'. There's no such thing. Living your life with kindness in your heart is one of the best things you can do.

I've been there with mental health. I spent years and years struggling to do even the most basic day to day activities in life. Every day was a struggle and mental health wasn't understood that much at the time, making things ten times harder. None of my school friends understood, hospitals and Doctors just brushed me off and my family thought I was crazy. I spent every day fighting by myself, a lot of those days I had even given up the fight. Yet somehow, I made it through, and by myself at that. I was lucky, I managed to overcome it and I managed to do it without any help. I have no clue how and I wish I knew, but I did it. A lot of people aren't that fortunate.

I'll be honest, working in mental health was something I never really thought of doing. When I applied for the job I have, I knew I wanted to help people but for me it was just a job, I was struggling to find something and I had applied for a lot of them on Indeed. But then I got  it, and I started working and things started to become a little more clear for me. I realised how much I loved it. I enjoyed going to work every day, I enjoyed supporting the clients we had. The longer I was there for, the more passionate I become. The more I wanted to learn, the more I wanted to be better. It's not been easy. There's times I've gone home and cried myself to sleep from the stress, from the emotional affect that having other peoples mental health and other peoples problems on your shoulders can bring. I've been emotional, I've been drained, I've felt numb. But I've also never felt this happy. I've never felt this accomplished, this passionate about something in my entire life. There are good days and there are days where I get so stressed I don't know how to cope sometimes, but I always look at the bigger picture. The picture of what me and my colleagues can do for these individuals. The ways we can help them, improve their lives, and that is the best feeling of them all. It's not about me, it's about them, and it makes it all so worth it.

Helping people is a feeling like no other, and I wouldn't change my passion for it for the world.